Directing Journal

During rehearsals, I started recording the audio-journals which are transcribed here. As I recorded myself I began reflecting upon things that had happened that day, general appreciations, particular dynamic situations that were happening with the cast, how to deal with certain problems, and feelings on things.

About your cast and the importance of the creation space

4 of July

I've been reflecting on what I want to convey in my work and the message I aim to get across. To me, this aspect should always be an active part of the creative process and something to keep in mind as the guiding question during rehearsals. I believe that the creative space, in this case, the rehearsal room, can also be a space for social transformation. In that same sense, I think the people who make up the creative space must also be in tune with the message one wants to convey, especially in political works seeking social justice. If my work is an invitation for the audience to explore vulnerabilities, question established privileges, rules, and historical norms, it's essential to have people involved in the creative process who are connected and committed to transmitting the same message. The creation of the show becomes a part of their daily life, and it encourages them to actively engage with these questions in their personal lives. As a director or writer aiming to convey the core of this type of play, creating the right atmosphere in the rehearsal room is crucial, as it's where genuine human connections are formed to construct the fictional world that communicates the realities I want to portray.

An important part of this process is to activate the actors emotionally and mentally. It involves constantly questioning, helping them find ways to relate it to their daily lives, to their social spaces, to their personal spaces, to encourage them to introspect on how they perceive the world. Why do we do these things? Why did this project catch their attention? What aspects of this story resonate with them? What does it remind them of?

On the other hand, there is something fundamental that goes hand in hand with this type of work and rehearsals, and as a director, it is essential to express gratitude to the actors for engaging with art in this way. Even though it's a paid job, it's about thanking them for their willingness to ask these questions, to participate in these spaces, to enter into this realm of vulnerability as they strive to resonate the story we tell with their own personal stories.

Velatón scene - how to approach these topics as a cast?

6 of July

Yesterday, on Wednesday, July 5th, we began rehearsals by focusing on the specific scene of the "velatón." The "velatón," as we had discussed during the table work earlier in the week, was considered by one of our actresses to be one of the most Latin aspects of the play. I don't think I had ever looked at it that way before. While the concept of a "Velatón" may be very Chilean because no one else knew about it, the act itself, as a kind of 'ritual' to pause, reflect, and commemorate in that particular way, was also something that connected us all. Something very particular about these moments, in the context of a feminist struggle, is remembering all the women who disappeared during the dictatorship, an event that unfortunately also unites us as a Latin community (due to Operation Condor and the dictatorships that occurred throughout Latin America) and the brutality, violence, forced disappearances, and torture that existed in each of these regimes.

In addition to my personal motivations to tell stories from my country and culture and to attempt this cultural translation, I also believe it's important, when telling these stories, to shoulder both personal and collective responsibility for the narratives being conveyed. That's why creating spaces for reflection is crucial. So before we delved into rehearsing this scene, we needed to pause and take a moment to understand why this scene was a part of the script. It was also a moment, in real life but within the context of a play, to perform this ritual. To address this, we began by identifying which characters were speaking in this scene. Four people raised their hands, and I asked them about their feelings and how they believed their characters felt about what was being discussed in the scene. What did they think was being communicated? Had their characters been in a situation like this before? Did they feel comfortable or not? After that, because at the end of that scene, through a collective repetition of names, we remembered people, women who are no longer with us and for whom justice has still not been served, we discussed the stories behind those names. While the actors had already been asked to read about these women and their cases, we also revisited a couple of them... which were brutal stories. They were brutal stories of sexist violence, of women who were murdered, raped, and disappeared. Stories that deeply affected us on a national level. For example, this resonated particularly with Wanda. Wanda is also from Chile, and she recalled one of the most recent cases for us, the case of Antonia Barra. But after that, as we continued to talk, other actresses began to share how this resonated with their characters and their personal stories, how they could recognize elements of these women's stories in what is felt on a social level. This is entirely possible; it's something normalized, something that doesn't deviate from the norm and, therefore, something we must continue to fight against. This recognition wasn't just at the character level; there was also a somewhat collective catharsis in feeling the reality of these stories in our bodies, often resonating with personal experiences as women. In this moment of emotional release and catharsis as a cast, all within a safe and contained space, we took responsibility for each other's vulnerability and gently guided the discussion. A unique situation arose, one that I believe is necessary in order to tell these stories with the respect and responsibility they deserve (always taking care of the actors' mental health, their emotional fragility, and their sensitivity). The situation that occurred in this reflective space mirrors what happens in the play itself. These underlying and widespread conversations about what is happening in the world begin to touch our personal nerves, until the contributions made by the people involved become more about sharing their personal stories and pain and expressing gratitude for the space that allowed them to open up in this way.

I believe that after this moment of reflection, conversation, pain, and emotional release, it helped us, as a cast, to connect. Although there was already an important foundation of established trust and common codes, I also believe it was essential to connect with these stories that accompany us, stories of Latin women, to ground ourselves a bit because sometimes the rehearsal process can create emotional distance from why we are telling these stories and what we want to convey with them. It's important to take the time to pause and reflect on how we feel about telling real political narratives that also represent us, based on our backgrounds. This reflection helps generate personal motivation for why we are here and why we decide to do this kind art. Why do we want to tell these stories?

As a director... well, as someone who facilitates spaces, I've had similar experiences before, albeit in different contexts. However, being able to apply these ideas and create these spaces within the theatrical context was not only interesting but also evidently necessary. This approach aligns with the type of human group that I personally prefer to build within my practice due to its relevance to the social justice I aim to convey through my stories.

Practices to build collaborative rehearsals for the actors

6 of July

I think one of the things, in more practical terms, that I could describe as part of my practice as a director is the act of directly asking people for their opinions. I believe it's important when it comes to building something, because it is my way of creating, I believe it comes from not having ideas solely on my own. It's about recognizing that space, those doubts we might have, the desire to do things better. And yes, since one won't initially have all the ideas, won't have all the answers, there will be certain questions, like, for example, how to transition from one scene to another or how to start the next one with more impact. I believe that in a collaborative dynamic that naturally occurs and can be encouraged from the director's position, it's important to encourage them to propose, but also to understand the limits of those proposals.

I think there's a work ethic that has been a bit challenging for me personally, which is recognizing the boundary as a director when others keep making suggestions that deviate from the director's vision. But there should also be an actor's ethic, the ability to understand when something they offer doesn't work or if the actor doesn't like the director's proposal, and a different approach needs to be explored.

Beyond that, in more practical terms, I realized today, for example, that something that comes naturally to me but is important to reflect on in terms of how my practice works is, especially after a week of rehearsals, to dedicate at least about half an hour to sit down, have a proper discussion of everything we’ve been going through and let them give you feedback. For example, if you've just done a run-through, provide the corresponding notes and go person by person, asking them to share something they like and something they don't like, or something that excites them, or something they personally think needs more work, whether it's related to their character or the overall scene dynamics, for instance.

Several things emerge in these discussions, and I believe directors must be very open to listening to all sorts of things, not just praise for the production but also make questions. Leaving open questions for the next rehearsal keeps the creativity active and allows a space to bring more propositions if needed. It’s also important to ask them about the personal challenges that they may be facing as actors, or things they genuinely believe aren't working. I approach this by first asking for general comments, letting anyone who wants to speak share, but then always going one by one in the circle. This recognizes each actor as a fundamental part of the group dynamic. The cast is built by each of its members, whether they have more lines or not, and I believe it encourages those who may not feel comfortable speaking unless they are asked directly. This stimulates a bit of that critical thinking that I want actors to have during rehearsals, a proactive space, and it helps build trust and establish a genuine collaborative dynamic, making them part of the creative process overall.

Within this space, I also think it serves as a display of humility, as it communicates the director's humility to the actors, that as directors, we won't always have the answers. It personally helped me a lot within the first two weeks feeling insecure about leading this human group and not having all the answers from the very beginning. Recognizing that I don't always have to have the answers communicates to the cast that "we're in this together. I'm a guide, I have an idea, but we can modify that idea," and I believe it has also encouraged, at least in this beautifully formed cast, the reception of positive feedback beyond just the story itself or how it's being told. People have expressed gratitude. Not just to me personally, but many have said, "I'm very grateful for the space we're creating. This space makes a lot of sense to me, it fulfills me." And I believe receiving that as a director, especially from a place of not having all the answers or perhaps needing some feedback on whether the directing approach is working for them, can contribute to a personal process of building a practice that shouldn't be rigid but should be in a constant state of learning.

About the actors and their characters

6 of July

Regarding the openness of direction and listening to your actors and involving them actively in the creative process—I find it very interesting to observe what happens with the characters, especially after the experience of writing a play with ten of them. During rehearsals, there are certain moments when, as I have created an environment that encourages it, some actors ask me if I truly believe this character would say certain lines. They refer to themselves, saying things like, "I don't feel this is something my character would say" or "I don't think it works within the context." They do this while maintaining respect for their role as an actor and recognizing that the final decision isn't theirs, yet they still propose changes. This has led me to realize that it's an element that reinforces the idea that actors can understand their characters much better than the director herself. I believe this also ties into what I mentioned earlier about the ethics of both the actor and the director, understanding their respective boundaries. In a collaborative space, certain agreements need to be in place, but I've been keen on finding ways to make the character's lines resonate with the actor while also aligning with the overall vision of the character's role in the play, something that as the writer of the play is much easier to do if it wasn’t the case.

When specific scenes are being worked on and the actors deeply grasp their characters, and we engage in some line work that may spontaneously come up (which might involve changing who delivers a particular line, rephrasing it, or even just taking it out), it's noticeable that this results in much more polished, coherent, and meaningful scenes compared to before.

On another hand, something notable occurred with a specific character, once again from both a writing and directing perspective. I believe that this particular actress's performance helped me gain a deeper understanding of the character. I feel that I truly began to build and comprehend the character when I witnessed the actress embodying the role. This character is Almendra; I struggled to grasp Almendra fully until I felt her come to life, and I was able to explore her more profoundly when Marisol assumed the role.

Despite Marisol's illness, which has prevented her from attending many rehearsals, each time she is present in the room, it's evident that she enhances the materiality of the story, as if she breathes life into a character that would likely have been interpreted quite differently in her absence. I believe the conclusion is that the characters will always have layers to explore and to build, and that actors often have a much deeper understanding of them. Working closely with this understanding can be another facet of collaboration that should always be taken into consideration.

Directing - soft skills and approach to your actors

11 of July

Facing problems towards the end of the process

11 of July

Since there are problems and uncertainties emerging now towards the end, I believe it's definitely necessary to have someone making decisions with you. Because making decisions on my own has become emotionally challenging. I think it's easier when there's someone else on the team who can provide alternatives or help ease tensions between us.

One of the actor's health is delicate, and we are now just a week away from the premiere. She's not sure if she'll be able to perform. Among the alternatives to carry this forward was the idea that another actress, out of the cast, could understudy her in case she couldn't perform, and she agreed to this a couple of days ago. I wanted to plan for this in advance in case she couldn't do it on the day of the performance. In summary, I just called the potential understudy, and since she's also an actor, she has something come up for the same dates as Alerta.

What I have reflected about this situation that has been building up for days, is that I believe it's important to find a way for her to be at ease and for myself to know how to handle the situation if she can't perform. But she is part of the team, and although it has been distressing for both me and her, given her health condition in the midst of something she is passionate about and has committed to despite her own limitations, we should provide her with as much understanding as possible and avoid putting her in a situation that could make her more nervous. My mission, as a director and producer, is to explore the available alternatives in case something happens on the day she can't perform and be able to have that plan ready to move forward.

Insecurities, emotions and thoughts around theatre-making

17 of July

I come with, I think, a part of the low moments, which are also important in this whole process. The other day, I was watching a video that talked about how "artists are warriors because, deep down, they are constantly facing criticism, facing themselves and their artistic growth, etc." Whatever it may be, and that there will always, always, always be an imposter syndrome, and it will never go away.

I understand how one is always looking for feedback, at least I am always looking for comments to improve things. I feel it's as complex because when you have a foundation, or at least when everything around you feels like you have these solid foundations, like... I don't know. Narrative structure, maybe, emotional depth. Theatrical transitions, theatrical elements. I feel like I know nothing about theatre. And I'm trying to create something from... a personal experience that resonates with me, but I don't really know how to convey it, how to communicate it. It's definitely a challenge, first of all, to direct 10 people, to create ten different characters. It's so complex to find depth in each of them when I don't even understand the depth of all of them myself. Something that resonates with me a lot is that there always has to be a strong foundation in theatre, and this has to be the script. If the script isn't strong, then the play can't be strong. And I feel like this script, in particular, isn't strong. It's confusing, it's... it's incomplete, in some way or another. And I think it's incomplete because I don't have 100% clarity on who these characters are. There are 10 characters, and there's also this thing that many of them are inspired by real people. So I think, even though I have internal confusion, like thinking about the real people when I'm directing the actors in the characters, I feel like I know so little. I only know how to manage people, I know how to produce things, I don't know how to create. I feel like I don't know what to create, I don't know how to create anything.

And the thing is, I create a little bit of everything, but I can't seem to bring it all together or give it weight; there's always going to be a window left open, there will always be something missing. Each thing by itself, none of them is at 100%. And I don't even know exactly what that something is. I just know that... it's like it lacks soul. It lacks substance. It lacks that internal thread that ties everything together.

And on a theatrical level... how do theatrical elements get added? For example, when one thinks: 'there will be a sound here,' or 'okay, the lighting will change here...'. My brain isn't trained to have that kind of creativity. There's so little theatre in Chile, there's only theatre in Santiago. So growing up without theatre is so complex if you want to pursue theatre later because it's like trying to do something you don't know much about, because you haven't had the opportunity to see it much, because it doesn't exist as a cultural element. I don't know.

Now I understand that sometimes I won't have all the answers. And it's okay to lead a group with 'I'll figure it out over time,' 'what do you think of this?'... I think that serves a lot. But I think there are core questions where not only do I not have the answers, but the questions themselves get confused. Clarity gets muddled. I think I have such a profound confusion in intention. At least in this work, what are the intentions of the characters? Because, I think the story itself, or the experience itself, is also very confusing. It's like they're on the edge between 'this is right' and 'this is not right,' but narratively, the story itself raises so many questions that it's hard for me to find creative clarity as well. Around a character and their intentions, but also because of the dynamics with each other… it's a bit hard to find a core. But also because of my lack of knowledge, with my gaps; and I recognize that I've learned a lot since I arrived and everything, but it's like there's a glass ceiling... like I can never break through. It's like when I got into politics during my undergraduate studies, I didn't understand anything, but I liked being there. And suddenly I had risen very high. I was leading so many people, and I still didn't understand it from the same roots as others around me. I understood more than before, but I still had this emptiness of content or... something. It was a ceiling that wouldn't let me go further. That wouldn't let me incorporate, like... something beyond that space, like in the sky. Like this ability to ground ideas, to know they're there, or to incorporate them into the body. It's like I never process the information and make it my own. It's like I'm entering territory that isn't mine, or learning a language that isn't mine.

How complex art is. I think I forgot the guiding question that helped me a lot two weeks ago. What emotions am I trying to convey with this?... what am I trying to convey with this? I have no idea. I have no idea what I want to convey with this, I lost it. I no longer understand the purpose of this work, I no longer... I no longer understand anything. I only know the practical things I have to accomplish, like a robot.

Last rehearsal reflection

18 of July

Today, I had the final rehearsal for Alerta, and it went really well. I think it was the best run-through we've had since we started the play. Even though I recorded that audio of chaos yesterday, which was a bad day, and I knew it was temporary, moments like that tend to bring out or activate insecurities that are always there but not always felt.

Despite knowing that these emotions are temporary, I still feel differently about the play at other times. I know that what I said yesterday is still there. Today, we sold out for Friday, and there are only 15 tickets left for Saturday, which is both exciting and terrifying because I'm showcasing the work I'm not 100% sure about.

But what I want to talk about is what happened today, which went well.

We started with a warm-up exercise, walking around the room and exploring different variables. We tried different speeds, different scenarios, an exploration and introduction to the first sensations the characters have at the beginning of the play. This exercise focused on having their minds in many places, as feeling tired from lack of sleep. Mariella, who helped with the dramaturgy and attended the last two rehearsals, recommended an exercise on how to make the body feel tired but still have to keep working, which relates to how the characters should look within the story. It's like having this deep internal fatigue but having to keep acting "as if you were a waiter at the end of the day."

Then I played with language, which I hadn't done much before. I've been studying how the second language serves an intellectual function and the first an emotional one. I've noticed how it can be tiring sometimes, translating certain things back to your native language when you learned them in specific linguistic contexts in a particular language. When I’ve talked to someone in my cast who speaks Spanish as their first language, I sometimes find myself saying certain phrases or sharing experiences in English because it doesn't come naturally to say them in Spanish. I (change to English in the voice note) encoded these experiences in English (switch back to Spanish) because I lived them in English, like the word "encoded" that I learned (switch to English) while reading a paper about language during my research.

(Switch back to Spanish) So, I decided to create an exercise based on this personal experience. They were walking around the room, and I asked them to walk at different speeds, every time faster until complete stops, and all over again. Then I would ask questions like, "What did you eat yesterday? What will you eat later? Did you take out the trash? Did you wash the dishes before leaving? What will you do after this? What will you do next week? What did you do the day before yesterday?" All these questions were rapid-fire, making them switch their thoughts very quickly. The idea was to make them change their thoughts very, very fast, which would also exhaust the atmosphere or create this mentally volatile and slightly disoriented space for them.

After that, I introduced and played with language. In this chaotic state, I asked them to respond to the same questions and made the same questions quickly in Spanish or Portuguese. This was fun and added to the linguistic playfulness, which I believe is a significant aspect of this play. The active state, jumping from one thought to another, trying to understand the content of many situations, knowing that there is a gap between what we experience in one language and what we will perform in another. Because we will all understand the experiences we are telling at a very fundamental level, as we've experienced them or have them embedded in our repertoire of social codes we learned culturally in our home countries.

Encouraging this language play also puts your brain into a state of... I don't want to say confusion, but a significant linguistic jump. I'm not sure what it generates mentally, but it would be interesting to study this in bilingual people, to see the gap that exists between languages. When we sometimes (switch to English) freeze because we forget a word in a specific language (switch back to Spanish), like now when I just code-switched. I think there's something very interesting about code-switching, which definitely isn't just at a linguistic level. It has been shown that personalities change with code-switching. So, it would be interesting to see how an actor can "act in English" versus "act in Spanish" or in their other language.

I've been trying to observe this in my actors, but their professional discipline is pretty established. Each of them has their own personal acting ritual. With 10 actors, it's challenging to explore the spaces between languages or how one can deliver a line differently. There was an interesting moment with one of my actresses who found Spanish easier than English. We had to analyse a particular line that she had trouble memorizing even though it wasn't complex. It was a sentence that didn't resonate with her; it felt foreign. So, we tried to break it down structurally and attempted various things. If you had to say the same thing we understand in English, how would you say it in Spanish? How would it make sense to you in Spanish? It was an interesting exploration, something that might have been delved into more deeply in a smaller cast and a shorter play.